Life partner or troublesome lover? Which one do you relate to best?
If the answer is the latter, you’re likely struggling with your relationship…even if it isn’t your fault! Most people will tell you that communication is key. While this is true, it’s equally true that communication is a two-way street.
In such moments, you may think “but my boyfriend doesn’t want to talk to me.” You know this because you have tried to communicate. But it just doesn’t work! As a result, you feel tired, rejected, and lonely.
If you’re struggling to build an emotional connection with your boyfriend, this article’s for you.
Here are the top reasons why you feel like you don’t have an emotional connection with your boyfriend:
He avoids talking about important issues
It’s super frustrating when your other half refuses to discuss key life topics. After all, if you two are trying to build a life together, you need to talk about it first, right?
Sorting our important issues like housing decisions, personal boundaries, and romantic expectations help improve the relationship’s quality. Anyone avoiding such conversations is either not sincere in the relationship, or afraid of discussing them.
Naturally, these “important issues” can be overwhelming to talk about. So, if your partner is avoiding them, chances are they haven’t faced these concerns in their own mind, either. They may try to avoid talking about such topics not just with you, but with themselves, too.
If that’s the case, there’s little you can do but encourage them to think about such topics on their own first. Then, you two can consult on them. However, if your partner hasn’t reached a level of maturity where they can handle such conversations, that’s an issue. You cannot force them into it. Like a rolling tide, they will need to figure things out in their own time.
So, try giving him some time to figure things out.
But, if your boyfriend always avoids important conversations to “punish” you, that’s a major red flag. This is immature and potentially narcissistic behaviour. Chances are he won’t grow out of this habit anytime soon, especially if he does it on the regular.
He either does it because he doesn’t know how to communicate, or he wants to control you. Either situation is bad, though the latter is toxic. Consider leaving if that’s what your relationship looks like. You shouldn’t waste your time saying “my boyfriend doesn’t want to talk to me because he’s mad at me all the time.” You deserve better.
Note that if he’s giving you the cold shoulder once in a blue moon, then you may have done something wrong. If it’s a rare occurrence, he may need time to cool off. If so, give him space, but let him know you’re ready to talk when the time is right. But if he’s always giving you the cold shoulder, ask yourself: “am I dating a man or a yeti?”
He avoids arguments
This could be his coping mechanism, albeit a bad one. Or, it could be his way of insisting everything is okay, when you’re clearly upset – which may qualify as toxic behaviour. Both cases qualify as poor behaviour, though the first one may stem from emotional immaturity. The second one may be a narcissistic trait.
Narcissists and control freaks may misbehave or intentionally upset you. Then, they’ll gaslight you into believing the problem isn’t real. Again, you deserve better! Such people are like leeches; we know he’s your boyfriend, but come on. Don’t waste your time with someone who feeds off your unhappiness. There’s no reason you should do that to yourself.
On the other hand, if he’s avoiding arguments because he’s emotionally immature or easily disturbed, try talking to him about it. Did he have a sad childhood? Do your arguments remind him of his parents fighting? Or perhaps he’s just extra sensitive or neurodivergent.
If that’s the case, promise him you’ll be kind. When speaking to him, use a gentle tone, but firm language. Assure him you’re only sharing your problems so you can fix them. Tell him you’d like to continue the relationship, but need to sort out the creases first. You need to communicate that your anger is a form of love – but say it with empathy!
However, if you’re always arguing over little things, you may need to reconsider your strategy. Nobody – absolutely nobody – enjoys being around someone who scolds at every little thing. Remember, this is your partner. Treat him with kindness, if that’s how he treats you, too.
Using these tips will help you resolve your “my boyfriend doesn’t want to talk to me” problem. Just remember to tackle things as a team. It’s you and him versus the problem, not you two against each other.
He ignores you when you are upset about something
We get into adult relationships because we crave romantic attention. It’s normal. But if your boyfriend is continuously ignoring you when you’re upset, that’s a red flag. If he’s only done it once, perhaps after a massive fight, give him some time to come round. Chances are he feels regret and will come back to talk it through. You should be open to approaching him, too. After all, communication is key.
On the downside, if your boyfriend obviously couldn’t care less about your emotions: congrats, you’re dating a narcissist. We’d strongly suggest you cut him off and find someone who genuinely loves you. Remember, love is not a losing game.
He gets annoyed when you cry
If your boyfriend gets annoyed when you cry, you’re not dating an emotionally healthy person. Perhaps his household taught him to never show ‘softer’ emotions, like sadness. Maybe his mother was stoic. If so, he won’t know how to deal with your emotions.
You can either try grooming him out of it with meaningful conversation. Or, you can leave and find someone better. Remember that changing someone’s childhood emotional patterns isn’t easy.
He never initiates deep meaningful conversation
So, you’re fond of deep conversations, but your boyfriend doesn’t initiate them. Does it feel one-sided sometimes? Yeah, we feel you.
You may be insisting now, saying “my boyfriend doesn’t want to talk to me.” If so, it may help to consider things from his angle. Maybe he isn’t the type to initiate meaningful conversation, though he may still feel strongly about you. It’s vital to understand that not everyone is as verbal as you may be! This is natural, and part of the package.
Why not try looking at all the other loving things he does? Remember what he did for your birthday? Does he listen attentively when you’re upset? If yes, then that’s great! Your man passes the vibe check – despite his nonverbal attitude. Some people are just better at listening than talking.
Alternately, he may struggle to initiate conversation because he’s got a lot on his mind. If he’s a university student or always bogged down with his corporate responsibilities, be gentle with him. He needs your patience. Working and studying aren’t easy tasks, and everyone handles them differently.
He may also struggle to verbalise his thoughts because…that’s just how he’s wired. Talking may not be his forte – which is why he’s dating you (assuming you’re a babbling brook).
Alternatively, your boyfriend may avoid initiating meaningful conversation because the relationship isn’t as meaningful to him. But be careful when considering this as a possibility. First, look at all his other actions. If he’s obviously controlling or narcissistic, then he may also be too shallow to initiate meaningful conversation.
He doesn’t want to talk about your future together
Ah! If he doesn’t want to talk about your future together, he’s either not serious enough or has trauma. He may be afraid to commit, but if he loves you, he needs to work through these emotions. You can help by creating a safe space for him to open up, and letting him do it on his own time.
However, if he’s been hesitant for a long time, he may not be interested in a future. But again, don’t jump to conclusions without analysing his overall attitude. If he shows you love in other ways, he may want to be in it for the long haul, but isn’t ready just yet.
Many young people nowadays put their career first. So, if he needs time to think about that first, allow him some space, but also try to have conversations about the future on a slightly lighter note.
However, if he simply avoids talking about the future altogether, he may not be ready to have one. This may or may not be because of you. A guy will only want to have a romantic future and kids with you if he’s ready for it. Still, he must share his intentions with you – if he never does, you must reconsider the relationship. Don’t waste time on someone who wouldn’t wait for you, either.
He doesn’t answer your texts
Is he busy or ignoring you because of his ego? You need to study his personality and behaviours to know.
If he’s a nonverbal person, texting may overwhelm him. If so, give him the space he needs, or he will feel weighed down!
But, if he doesn’t answer your texts because he’s trying to look “cool,” he needs to grow up. Also, if you’re someone who appreciates guys who make you wait, ask yourself if this is the right, mature behaviour. If you’re attracting emotionally unavailable guys (A.K.A. ‘players’) into your life, you need to work on that issue! You cannot date emotionally unavailable men and say “my boyfriend doesn’t want to talk to me!”
Find someone who enjoys your conversation, and genuinely loves your soul. First, though, you’ll need to work towards becoming an emotionally healthy person. If you already are one, that’s great! Now you can scout for a man who matches your emotional frequency.
He never compliments you on your physical appearance
Men express their love in different ways. While some prefer verbalizing their feelings, others may perform appreciative actions. Either way, a man who loves you will try to show it.
Some men are more ‘logically-wired’, and may not compliment your physical appearance as much as you’d like. However, this shouldn’t be a source of worry if he shows appreciation in other ways.
However, it’s concerning when a man doesn’t show any form of appreciation. If he doesn’t appreciate your body, do share your concern with him. But if he doesn’t take it into account, he’s either shy, not wired to understand the importance of verbal affection, or…he simply doesn’t care about your needs.
The latter is likely true if he doesn’t show interest or appreciation in other spheres of your relationship either. In that case, you’re bound to feel neglected. So, remember that your feelings are valid, and that you do deserve to feel loved.
If you feel severely neglected and your partner isn’t willing to address your concerns, rethink the relationship. You cannot ‘fix’ him if he isn’t committed to changing his own behavior.
He avoids talking about marriage
Marriage isn’t everyone’s goal, but a man who’s emotionally connected to you won’t hesitate to talk about long-term commitment. He may suggest an alternative to marriage, like a civil partnership or engagement. Either way, he won’t avoid the topic of marriage altogether.
If your boyfriend avoids talking about marriage, that’s a red flag. Chances are he either fears marriage, or doesn’t want to play for keeps. You’ll need to acknowledge his overall attitude towards love and partnership before dubbing him a ‘marriage-phobe’, of course.
But, if he clearly isn’t comfortable discussing marriage or any form of long-term commitment, he might not see a future with you. Or, he may not be ready for a commitment with anyone. In that case, he needs to either face his fears head-on, or resign from a relationship that could be going nowhere.
He rarely touches or kisses you
Physical love is a great way to express feeling. If your boyfriend doesn’t like touching, it could symbolise some underlying issue. Chances are, he’s physically avoidant because he doesn’t have the mental or emotional capacity for initiating intimacy right now.
You’ve got to ask yourself: has he always been this way? If your previously loving and sweet boyfriend is suddenly cold, check in with him to see if there’s something troublesome on his mind.
We’ve got a great article explaining this in detail, but here are some quick reasons why your boyfriend doesn’t like intimacy:
- He’s stressed and doesn’t feel like getting physical
- He’s facing an emotional low in all parts of life
- He has sensory issues – though this is rare
- He has lost interest
- He is disappointed in the relationship
The latter two reasons sound depressing, we know. However, it’s possible your boyfriend doesn’t enjoy intimacy anymore because he’s a player who’s now bored with you. If so, know that this is not your fault. You’re free to move onto someone who truly deserves you.
However, if he’s giving you the cold shoulder because he’s mad or upset, it’s his job to discuss it with you. Try talking to him and see if you two can sort things out. If not, then you should reevaluate where your relationship stands.
If you really wish to save the bond – and he does, too – try couples therapy. It can work wonders when two partners are willing to sort things out and live a happy life together.
He stopped buying you gifts
This isn’t a fun economy to live in, so don’t be too harsh on your boyfriend for not buying your gifts. However, if gifts are your love language, try sharing this information with your boyfriend. Give him alternatives to expensive gifts and encourage him to get your inexpensive yet meaningful tokens. Chances are he just doesn’t know how to express love in your language.
However, if he’s not getting your gifts anymore despite being financially stable, ask him why. There’s little point in assuming things. You’ll never have a confirmed answer that way. Remember to be gentle and thoughtful when bringing the topic up with him. If he didn’t realise how much gifts mean to you, tell him how you feel!
He is always tired around you
Ideally, a healthy relationship will energize both partners. At the end of a long day of work, your boyfriend should feel comfortable coming home. If he wants time alone, that’s okay. But, he shouldn’t be tired around you all the time. If he is always tired, he may be overworked and burnt out. However, if he finds your company tiring, he evidently doesn’t see you as a source of comfort.
Now, before you blame yourself, check if he is generally antisocial or gets drained easily. If so, he may be the type of person who needs more time to recharge than most.
But, if he’s only tired around you, that’s a clear sign your relationship needs reevaluation.