So, your mom doesn’t want you to get married, but you think you’ve found the love of your life! Now what?
Getting married is a big decision. A lot of emotion goes into it, and you’d want your loved ones to support you through it all. But what if your mother – A.K.A. your first love – doesn’t want you to tie the knot?
Your mom’s rejection is bound to hurt and leave you wondering why she doesn’t want you to get married. Luckily, you don’t have to wonder anymore.
We’ve listed the top 6 reasons why your mom doesn’t want you to get married. Check this list to see which one applies best to your situation:
She thinks you’re too young to be married
Your mother doesn’t want you to get married because she feels you’re not old enough. While many of us believe that age is relative, not all people share this ideology. Some mothers, especially those with careers of their own, believe that every woman must take a few years to be ‘young, wild, and free’ before settling down.
While some consider this perspective to be limiting, others swear by it. If you ask us, this is your life, and you should live it on your terms! However, considering your mother’s perspective won’t hurt, either. Discussing the matter openly with her may help – unless she’s got a rigid personality, or is letting her trauma influence her words.
What does it mean when your mother’s trauma influences you? It’s simple, really: a traumatized woman likely has plenty of anxiety, and she gives advice based off of her anxious mindset. Such advice is seldom beneficial. It may even serve to limit you, as well as her.
But then again, trauma can also make us more cautious for the better. So, if your mother just wants you to be careful, she may not be entirely wrong.
See, whether or not your mom’s advice is right for you depends on your unique situation. If she’s generally negative towards all relationships, that’s definitely her trauma talking. If so, you need to consider what you truly want, and decide on marriage if you feel fully confident about it.
Conversely, if she’s just generally worried about you, honor her (and yourself) enough to talk things through. She’s just doing her best to support her child, even if it’s in an anxious way. And who knows, maybe some of her points are valid! Always hear both sides before making a big decision.
She wants you to have a career first
In today’s economy, women and men both need their own careers to lead a happy life. Married or unmarried, you’ve got to hustle for that bread!
Sadly, the current economy doesn’t allow most people to live on one spouse’s salary. So, if your mom doesn’t want you to get married until your career is stable, she’s got a good point!
Marriage is not a walk in the park. It is a full-time commitment you can’t just back out of anytime. You’ve got to put in the work. Being married is almost like a job in itself; it demands energy.
Of course, marriage can be extremely rewarding, too! There’s nothing quite like coming home after a long day at the office…and curling up in your spouse’s arms. How dreamy!
That being said, just make sure you’re genuinely ready for marriage – and all the challenges that come with it – before saying yes to the dress. You should ideally be at some stage of financial security, or at least know which direction your career is heading in.
And remember, work becomes more challenging once you have a kid. This is true for both new moms and dads. Parenting is a two-person job. So, if that’s why your mom doesn’t want you to get married, she may have a fair point.
She is lonely and afraid of losing you
If your mom doesn’t want you to get married because she’s lonely, you need to put yourself first. It may sound harsh, but the clock will keep ticking, no matter what. You can try putting your life on hold for someone else, but it won’t bring back all the lost time.
A better way to address the situation is by facilitating your mother in finding ways to entertain herself. Or, if she’s craving human connection, she can join some group activities for women of her age. Bingo night, book club, committee parties; the options are endless!
You can also try reassuring her that your marriage won’t suddenly end the mother-child bond. You’re still going to be her kid, no matter what. Of course, if you’re moving cities because of your marriage, you should have an open conversation about it with your fiance and your mom. It might be a little unfair to leave her all alone if she needs assistance and emotional support due to her age.
But if she just wants you to put your life on hold because she’s controlling and insecure, that’s a total no-no! Time won’t stop for you. But, she is also the woman who brought you to life and stayed up during your crying sessions as a baby. So, be kind to her during conversation. You can make a point without speaking harshly.
She doesn’t approve of the person you want to marry
This is a big one. If your mom doesn’t want you to get married because she thinks you’re marrying the wrong person, hear her out first. She could be dead wrong, but she could also be right. It’s a case-by-case situation; you need to fully analyze the scenario before passing a verdict.
Is your fiance a good person? Are they kind, genuine, and down-to-earth? Does their energy match yours, and do they have the same life plans as you do? Do you both share an identical value system and spiritual beliefs? If not, can you truly respect one another’s choices?
If you answered yes to all these questions, your marriage has a solid chance of working out. But if you hesitated before answering them, you might want to hear your mom out.
Remember, your husband or wife is your life partner. This is the person who’ll hold your hand when you’re pushing a baby out. This is the person who’ll willingly make budget cuts when you’re financially down. This is the person who’s going to affect your credit score when you take out a mortgage. Can they handle all that? If not, then they’re not the right person to marry. And if you can’t handle those things yourself, you need to ask yourself if you’re even ready for marriage. Think about it.
She doesn’t approve of love marriages
Is your mother traditional or conservative? If so, her perspectives on marriage probably won’t match yours. While it’s okay to have a personal opinion, it isn’t fair to shove it down someone else’s throat. So, if your mom doesn’t approve of love marriages, that’s on her!
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to marry someone because you love them. As long as your belief systems, life paths, and financial perspectives align, it should be fine! Many arranged marriages don’t work out, and sometimes love doesn’t work out either. There’s no guarantee, so you might as well choose love if it resonates with you more.
If your mom doesn’t want you to get married for love, try talking to her about it. Marrying for love isn’t enough if the person you’re marrying is unstable; emotionally, mentally, or financially. But if they’re genuinely an awesome human being, don’t wait to tie the knot!
Your mom doesn’t want you to get married right now…but she will (hopefully) come around in time. You can try highlighting your fiance’s strengths to help her feel more at ease. But ultimately, who you marry is your choice – not hers!
She wants you to live life on her terms
Red flag alert! So, your mom doesn’t want you to get married, but doesn’t have a good enough reason to stop you. Sounds like she wants to control you in your adult years. Yikes!
That’s a tough spot to be in, but definitely not one you can’t get yourself out of. If you’re a financially stable person, you can safely reject your mom’s decision and make your own. However, if you’re living under her roof and care, you’ll need to find a job first. If you’re not employed, you shouldn’t be considering marriage anyways.
As long as you’re an adult with an income and stable emotions, you can get married to whomever you like! Parents will get old one day, and they won’t be able to hound you down forever. It sure sucks that your mom wants to control you, but now’s the time to take that control back from her! Just make sure your partner is super supportive and doesn’t try to control you, too!
As a disclaimer, make sure your mom only wants to control you for her personal gain. If she’s actually just against your marriage because you’re genuinely making a bad decision, don’t shame her. Hear her out first, and then make a decision. Marriage will change your life, after all. So, make sure it’s for the better!